Pervert
by Cally Starkiller
Summary: Strange things have been happening aboard the Normandy and the crew is about to find out who is doing all these 'so-called' childish pranks. No suspects. Many 'victims'. One-shot.


"God damn it all!" Her biotics flared up as she threw the frustrating holopad toward the fish tank. A small visible crack appeared but it did not break, much to her dissatisfaction.

"Why is it that Miranda needs me to do these damn reports for her every single night?" Shepard scowled as she paced back and forth between her desk and the bathroom. Stopping, she entered the bathroom and glared at her own reflection.

"That's right…I hate you." She snarled at the mirror. She pointed threateningly at it, finger nails in need of a trim. "You can't even take the time or effort to make a simple report. You're lazy!" She drawled out the last word, giving the mirror one last glare before exiting.

Sighing in frustration, she picked back up the holopad and started typing whatever came to mind. In the end, she transferred the message into her omni-tool and emailed it to Lawson.

The small paragraph was about how bored she was and how many times the fish died in the span of the one month.

* * *

Miranda stared at the report Commander Cally Shepard sent her. Huffing in annoyance she deleted it and stood up to look out her window, arching her back out to stretch and yawn.

At that moment, somebody she never thought would ever enter her room, entered her room. A light flashed and she quickly turned around to catch the culprit. The backside of some person leaving was all she got.

* * *

Shepard's smirk grew wider and wider with each moment that passed. Garrus stared at the large TV that now resided in Kasumi's room. "Impressive."

"I thought so." She winked at him and connected her holopad which contained a game she downloaded from that salarian down on the Citadel.

His mandibles fluttered. Shepard blinked. Loud over-exaggerated womanly noises emanated from the TV. Gross and unspeakable images of asari and hanar appeared on the large screen.

"I got the wrong game?" Shepard screamed and ran out in a hurry, leaving Garrus dumbfounded.

A chuckle was heard in the background but neither Garrus or Shepard heard.

* * *

Thane opened up his omni-tool, scrolling through the new data about the Reapers acquired from the Collector base. Taking his time to take in each piece of information, he didn't even hear the doors open.

A flicker and flash of another omni-tool being opened was Thane's only warning when a video of barely dressed dancing asari showed up on his screen.

Thane was startled and shut the omni-tool as fast as possible and turned around to face the person responsible. That person was not in sight.

* * *

Jack paced back and forth in her 'hidey hole', boots clanging loudly against the floor. She didn't like owing people favors and she owed Shepard. Jack had to get rid of that somehow. Jack could hear echoes of feet going down the stairs but she ignored them.

Groaning in frustration, she slumped up against the crate and began occupying her mind with a random holopad. One second later something appeared by her side. Looking over at it she stared.

A bright red thong. Clenching her fists tightly she got up to biotic throw the fool who put that beside her but nobody was there.

Just the retreating steps of somebody running up the stairs…

* * *

Joker stared intently at the screen in front of him. If EDI could sigh, she would. Joker was looking at one of his illegal extranet bookmarks again, but this time…it wouldn't be asari.

As Joker was enjoying the show, something glitches on his screen. He grumbled and decided against kicking it. He's about to run a diagnostic on the problem until something utterly horrible pops up. "What the shit? Men on the beach doing…holy shit!"

The rest of Joker's curses drowned out the culprits laughter.

* * *

"So many hanar!" Shepard screeched as she tore out of that room and into the main battery room, passing by the confused mess hall crew. They got curious and popped their heads into Kasumi's room only to find a hanar 'enkindling' an asari on the large TV screen.

Garrus ran after her naturally.

* * *

Jack ignored the problem for now but it was still bothering her. Who in their right minds would throw a bright red thong at her?

In one swift movement, Jack stood up and raced up the stairs and into the elevator.

* * *

Miranda heard yelling out in the mess hall area and went out to investigate. All she saw was Shepard looking VERY disturbed and Garrus following her.

Mouth agape she simply stood there, unsure of what to do next.

* * *

Thane stepped out of Life Support to see what the ruckus was about. He had been trying to meditate after what had happened but no matter how hard he tried, he still couldn't get that memory out of his head.

A ghostly looking Shepard zoomed by while Garrus the turian vigilante raced after her. Intrigued by this situation, he explored the room where they came from. Only a giant TV screen and an amused crowd of people caught his interest.

* * *

Jack tore out of the elevator at the next deck and turned the corner, ignoring the growing crowd of people at Kasumi's room and stopped sharply at Miranda's appearance.

She smirked at the look on the cheerleader's face but stopped. What the hell made her so stiff-looking?

* * *

"What the fuck? Who in hell's name…shit!" Shepard frantically tore at her black hair, trying hard to get the images out of her head.

Garrus just calmly stood there, now having a more clear image on asari and hanar physiology. "That was…rather disturbing."

Shepard stared up at him. "That is the biggest understatement I've ever heard."

Garrus sighed and clicked his mandibles together. "Okay okay! That was most grossest thing I've ever seen in my entire life."

"I know…" Shepard blankly looked over his shoulder and then groaned loudly.

She raced back out and toward an arguing pair of biotics. "Miranda! Jack! Not now!"

Garrus followed her like a lost puppy, standing behind her for back up against these crazy humans.

"I want to know who the fuck put this red thong by me!" Jack waved the item in front of Shepard's face, causing her to heftily grab it away from her.

"I prefer the color blue…" Garrus mumbled, glancing at Shepard to see if she got the hint.

Instead all three of the human women turned toward him and looked at him in disgust.

"Whoa what?" Shepard's blue eyes were wide with surprise.

"I meant…" Garrus nervously glanced around for an escape. "Err…what I meant was…that…you look nice today Shepard."

She tried hard to hide her grin, but failed miserably. "Umm…thanks."

Garrus inwardly sighed in relief. "No problem Shepard."

"Alright…back to this problem. Somebody must've swapped our game with that disgusting asari and hanar porn game." Shepard shuddered, the images of rather indecent asari doing…something utterly horrible with hanar.

"And somebody snuck into my room and this light flashed. I think the person was taking a holo. I don't know who…" Miranda started pacing, hands behind back.

Thane overheard their conversation and joined them. "I was reviewing the Reaper evidence until somebody hacked into my omni-tool and this video of rambunctious asari dancing appeared. Who did this, I have no idea."

Shepard looked thoughtful for a few seconds until they heard a rather loud squeal from underneath them. "That sounded like…"

Shepard headed straight for the elevator and pushed the lower deck button repeatedly. Miranda, Thane, Jack, and Garrus followed her in and the group huddled inside.

"My bet is that this is the works of Grunt." Miranda speculated.

"No way…that's like-" Shepard defends her krogan friend.

"He's a teenager. Perhaps he finds this-" Thane observes but Garrus interrupts him.

"He's a KROGAN teenager. I don't see why he would-" Jack interrupts Garrus with a quick response.

"Just shut up already!" Jack glared at the turian before breaking out of the elevator when the doors cracked open.

They headed into engineering since that's the only place where two females are present. "Tali! Gabby!"

Tali turned toward them with an item that was meant for…human females. "Somebody replaced my omni-tool with…this."

"And somebody put a…condom on my workplace. Shepard…who the heck would-" Gabby showed them the other item and Shepard sighed in frustration.

"This is revolting…everybody! Search the Normandy for anybody who looks like a pervert!" Shepard commanded, the group nodding in agreement and they all spilt up the decks.

Shepard took the mess hall deck with Garrus while Thane and Jack took the lower deck and Miranda took the bridge.

* * *

"I bet its Joker." Shepard poked her head into medbay only to find Chakwas still working on Kasumi back from their mission on Project Overlord; Kasumi had gotten shot up from the geth and Kasumi was now resting.

"How is that? He can barely walk let alone dance." Garrus pointed out which received a special message from Joker over the intercom.

"Yeah thanks buddy." Joker retorted. "And its not me. Same perverted thing happened to me when I was watching…the surveillance."

"Right okay Joker." Shepard rambled back and continued her search for the pervert.

"I wonder if its Jacob…then again he's not that smart to do something like this." Shepard pondered. Then it hit her.

"Down a deck!" Shepard suddenly yelled out and sprinted for the elevator.

The couple impatiently waited around until it opened and the two went straight for the one room they all hadn't checked yet.

"Zaeed Massani." Shepard barked threateningly. "You disgusting old man."

At this the old merc had to chuckle. "Oh really? Just trying to have fun Shepard. This ship is boring and I'm always up for a laugh or two." He shrugged, quickly explaining his actions.

Stuttering a response, Shepard stared wide-eyed at the merc. "But you…I-I…you switched that game?"

"Wasn't that hard. True I had to download it illegally but it was worth the looks on your faces." Zaeed gave her a wink and turned around to examine 'Jessie', his rifle.

Fuming furiously, Shepard clenched her fists tightly but when Garrus looked at her…she immediately calmed down. "Fine." She said, grinding her teeth. "If next time you want a good laugh, then ask us and we'll put on a talent show for you."

"Sounds good Shepard. Go on now." Zaeed still didn't turn to her and she grumbled as she left the merc.

"So…the person was Zaeed?" The rest of the squad appeared outside the door and Shepard nodded.

And only one word popped in their heads at the same moment. "Pervert."


End file.
